Bugs in My Bathroom

At my house we leave the light on in the bathroom so that my mom doesn't fall down the stairs at night. And when this is the only light on at 3:00 AM, it attracts every bug in the entire house. This is an archive of all the creatures that find their way into my bathroom and probably all over my toothbrush.

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Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor

 

08.16.11 12:17 AM Most nights I fight my way through the bathroom, battling microscopic gnats that like to fly up my nose as I’m inhaling or hummingbird sized moths that throw themselves at any light source. Other nights, the bathroom is a serene oasis, devoid of all bugs except for a few carcasses hanging in spider webs. When the bathroom is quiet, I know I’m in a world of hurt when I get to my bedroom. Tonight I got done in the bathroom, checked my email, and even got in bed before my first encounter of the bug kind. As I reached for my book, I saw a few legs poking out from underneath a pair of scissors. Why were there scissors on my night stand? Oh, probably for one of my late night pube trimming sessions, but that’s not important. What is important to ask is who the hell does this bug think he’s fooling? First, he’s wearing the wrong color camo. He should be wearing his desert fatigues if he wants to blend in with that beautiful, rich red oak veneer.  And second, this isn’t a fucking Looney Toon, just hiding your dumb little bug head does not mean you’re invisible. But I’ll give him props, if it wasn’t for my trusty pube scissors he could have easily hid somewhere else in the worlds saddest bachelor pad, AKA my bedroom at my parents house. And only the Almighty Bug God knows that this dimpled bastard would have done to me.

08.16.11

12:17 AM

Most nights I fight my way through the bathroom, battling microscopic gnats that like to fly up my nose as I’m inhaling or hummingbird sized moths that throw themselves at any light source. Other nights, the bathroom is a serene oasis, devoid of all bugs except for a few carcasses hanging in spider webs. When the bathroom is quiet, I know I’m in a world of hurt when I get to my bedroom.

Tonight I got done in the bathroom, checked my email, and even got in bed before my first encounter of the bug kind. As I reached for my book, I saw a few legs poking out from underneath a pair of scissors. Why were there scissors on my night stand? Oh, probably for one of my late night pube trimming sessions, but that’s not important. What is important to ask is who the hell does this bug think he’s fooling? First, he’s wearing the wrong color camo. He should be wearing his desert fatigues if he wants to blend in with that beautiful, rich red oak veneer.  And second, this isn’t a fucking Looney Toon, just hiding your dumb little bug head does not mean you’re invisible.

But I’ll give him props, if it wasn’t for my trusty pube scissors he could have easily hid somewhere else in the worlds saddest bachelor pad, AKA my bedroom at my parents house. And only the Almighty Bug God knows that this dimpled bastard would have done to me.

08.07.11 11:58 PM I know a lot of people out there who have varying degrees of blindness. Some got their eyes fixed with mystical lasers from the heavens, some can’t see at night or read small text, and others, like myself, can’t even see their own nipples without their glasses. Most of the time this little inconvenience comes into play in inconsequential situations. Like when you drop your glasses while waking up and you have to crawl on your hands and knees, searching for something you can’t even see. Other times the situation is of much greater importance. Like when you take a shower without your contacts in, and you glance down while shampooing and peeing at the same time and see a faint pink tinge to the urine coming out of your penis. Of course, being blind as a rock, you’re not too sure that’s what you saw and you brush it off. Until the next night when the same situation occurs, only this time your contacts are in, and this time it’s clear as day that there is indeed blood pouring out of your dick like a geyser in Yellowstone National Park. These kinds of life altering experiences don’t happen too often. That whole bleeding dick episode happened and was remedied immediately a few years back. So I guess I was kind of due for another shock by this point. Contacts removed, I grabbed my Oral-B Sonicare Toothbrush and dabbed a pea-sized dollop of toothpaste on that puppy. As I sprinkled a bit of water on it, I notice a little shadow down in the bottom of the sink. I went on my merry way, brushing for the doctor recommended 2 minutes, and as I leaned in to spit, the gravity of the situation came into focus. That shadow that I assumed was water turned out to be a centipede. It was crawling out of the sink hole, trying its damnedest to get out of the sink and seek vengeance upon me for nearly drowning him. After a yelp and picture, this moustachioed beast was expelled to whence he came, the depths of hell; or wherever water and toothpaste goes. Remember, if you’re optically impaired, keep some sort of corrective lenses on, in, or nearby so you don’t end up with a mouth full of centipede or a shower full of bloody piss.

08.07.11

11:58 PM

I know a lot of people out there who have varying degrees of blindness. Some got their eyes fixed with mystical lasers from the heavens, some can’t see at night or read small text, and others, like myself, can’t even see their own nipples without their glasses.

Most of the time this little inconvenience comes into play in inconsequential situations. Like when you drop your glasses while waking up and you have to crawl on your hands and knees, searching for something you can’t even see. Other times the situation is of much greater importance. Like when you take a shower without your contacts in, and you glance down while shampooing and peeing at the same time and see a faint pink tinge to the urine coming out of your penis. Of course, being blind as a rock, you’re not too sure that’s what you saw and you brush it off. Until the next night when the same situation occurs, only this time your contacts are in, and this time it’s clear as day that there is indeed blood pouring out of your dick like a geyser in Yellowstone National Park.

These kinds of life altering experiences don’t happen too often. That whole bleeding dick episode happened and was remedied immediately a few years back. So I guess I was kind of due for another shock by this point. Contacts removed, I grabbed my Oral-B Sonicare Toothbrush and dabbed a pea-sized dollop of toothpaste on that puppy. As I sprinkled a bit of water on it, I notice a little shadow down in the bottom of the sink. I went on my merry way, brushing for the doctor recommended 2 minutes, and as I leaned in to spit, the gravity of the situation came into focus. That shadow that I assumed was water turned out to be a centipede. It was crawling out of the sink hole, trying its damnedest to get out of the sink and seek vengeance upon me for nearly drowning him. After a yelp and picture, this moustachioed beast was expelled to whence he came, the depths of hell; or wherever water and toothpaste goes.

Remember, if you’re optically impaired, keep some sort of corrective lenses on, in, or nearby so you don’t end up with a mouth full of centipede or a shower full of bloody piss.

07.15.11 BIMB: Fucking Edition I came across these two young lovers while doing some work for my sad, half-assed job. At first glance it’s just two bugs enjoying a little afternoon delight. But upon closer inspection, there are multiple freaky fetishes going on. First, homeboy is hitting it from the back like only real ballers do. Second, my boy is a chubby chaser. Look at that broad he’s banging. She’s twice his size and neither of them seem to be complaining. And third, they’re chowing down on some scrumptious leaves while getting it in. Bringing leaves into the bug bedroom is like bringing a can of whipped cream and cherries into the human being bedroom. Remember that scene from Varsity Blues with the cheer leader in the whipped cream bikini? My boy James VanDerBug is hitting it hard and don’t give a fuck who’s watching.

07.15.11

BIMB: Fucking Edition

I came across these two young lovers while doing some work for my sad, half-assed job. At first glance it’s just two bugs enjoying a little afternoon delight. But upon closer inspection, there are multiple freaky fetishes going on.

First, homeboy is hitting it from the back like only real ballers do.

Second, my boy is a chubby chaser. Look at that broad he’s banging. She’s twice his size and neither of them seem to be complaining.

And third, they’re chowing down on some scrumptious leaves while getting it in. Bringing leaves into the bug bedroom is like bringing a can of whipped cream and cherries into the human being bedroom. Remember that scene from Varsity Blues with the cheer leader in the whipped cream bikini? My boy James VanDerBug is hitting it hard and don’t give a fuck who’s watching.