At my house we leave the light on in the bathroom so that my mom doesn't fall down the stairs at night. And when this is the only light on at 3:00 AM, it attracts every bug in the entire house. This is an archive of all the creatures that find their way into my bathroom and probably all over my toothbrush.

 

07.12.12
1:08 PM
Well, shit, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been busy trying to grow the fuck up. That means having a job, waking up at the ass crack of dawn, and riding on the goddamn train all the live long day. And all of that means I’ve been tired as shit. A few weeks ago I was so tired that I had rolled over onto and murdered a june bug in my sleep. And I didn’t even know it, until I pulled back my sheets to get out and saw its carcass with various appendages sprinkled around it like a dinner at a fancy french restaurant.
Anyway, back to the current bug. So, everyday I eat fresh at my favorite lunch time eatery, Subway. And when I’m working out at the shop, I have to walk like 4 blocks to get to the nearest one. I pick up my delicious chicken pizziola melt and am headed back, taking in all the beautiful scenery that the industrial section of Queens has to offer (mostly a clump of feathers that used to be a bird of some kind and used condoms stuck to the sides of the buildings), when I turn the corner and get blinded by an ungodly light. After I gathered myself I realized that this T-1000 looking mother fucker blinded me with his ancient bug mysticism. I crept up cautiously, not knowing what other tricks he had up his sleeves, and saw that he was moving real slow. He must have gotten stuck in a liquid nitrogen vortex, since that’s the only thing known to slow a Terminator on its mission to kill all humans. Knowing this vital piece of survival training, I snapped this picture and ran, screaming. Don’t worry, I cradled my pizziola melt in my arms like a sleeping baby, making sure not to let the marinara sauce slide out of its 9-grain wheat vessel. Everyone at the shop was asking if I was alright, had I been crying, why was I sweating so much; and all I said was, “This is going to be the best chicken pizziola melt ever.”
You’ve been warned, Judgement day is upon us. The machines have arrived in Queens, and they’ve taken the form of iridescent beetles from space. I recommend that everyone go grab a $5 footlong with your family tomorrow. It’ll probably be the last meal you share with them, so you might as well have your final one be your most delicious one. 

07.12.12

1:08 PM

Well, shit, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been busy trying to grow the fuck up. That means having a job, waking up at the ass crack of dawn, and riding on the goddamn train all the live long day. And all of that means I’ve been tired as shit. A few weeks ago I was so tired that I had rolled over onto and murdered a june bug in my sleep. And I didn’t even know it, until I pulled back my sheets to get out and saw its carcass with various appendages sprinkled around it like a dinner at a fancy french restaurant.

Anyway, back to the current bug. So, everyday I eat fresh at my favorite lunch time eatery, Subway. And when I’m working out at the shop, I have to walk like 4 blocks to get to the nearest one. I pick up my delicious chicken pizziola melt and am headed back, taking in all the beautiful scenery that the industrial section of Queens has to offer (mostly a clump of feathers that used to be a bird of some kind and used condoms stuck to the sides of the buildings), when I turn the corner and get blinded by an ungodly light. After I gathered myself I realized that this T-1000 looking mother fucker blinded me with his ancient bug mysticism. I crept up cautiously, not knowing what other tricks he had up his sleeves, and saw that he was moving real slow. He must have gotten stuck in a liquid nitrogen vortex, since that’s the only thing known to slow a Terminator on its mission to kill all humans. Knowing this vital piece of survival training, I snapped this picture and ran, screaming. Don’t worry, I cradled my pizziola melt in my arms like a sleeping baby, making sure not to let the marinara sauce slide out of its 9-grain wheat vessel. Everyone at the shop was asking if I was alright, had I been crying, why was I sweating so much; and all I said was, “This is going to be the best chicken pizziola melt ever.”

You’ve been warned, Judgement day is upon us. The machines have arrived in Queens, and they’ve taken the form of iridescent beetles from space. I recommend that everyone go grab a $5 footlong with your family tomorrow. It’ll probably be the last meal you share with them, so you might as well have your final one be your most delicious one. 

08.16.11
12:17 AM
Most nights I fight my way through the bathroom, battling microscopic gnats that like to fly up my nose as I’m inhaling or hummingbird sized moths that throw themselves at any light source. Other nights, the bathroom is a serene oasis, devoid of all bugs except for a few carcasses hanging in spider webs. When the bathroom is quiet, I know I’m in a world of hurt when I get to my bedroom.
Tonight I got done in the bathroom, checked my email, and even got in bed before my first encounter of the bug kind. As I reached for my book, I saw a few legs poking out from underneath a pair of scissors. Why were there scissors on my night stand? Oh, probably for one of my late night pube trimming sessions, but that’s not important. What is important to ask is who the hell does this bug think he’s fooling? First, he’s wearing the wrong color camo. He should be wearing his desert fatigues if he wants to blend in with that beautiful, rich red oak veneer.  And second, this isn’t a fucking Looney Toon, just hiding your dumb little bug head does not mean you’re invisible.
But I’ll give him props, if it wasn’t for my trusty pube scissors he could have easily hid somewhere else in the worlds saddest bachelor pad, AKA my bedroom at my parents house. And only the Almighty Bug God knows that this dimpled bastard would have done to me.

08.16.11

12:17 AM

Most nights I fight my way through the bathroom, battling microscopic gnats that like to fly up my nose as I’m inhaling or hummingbird sized moths that throw themselves at any light source. Other nights, the bathroom is a serene oasis, devoid of all bugs except for a few carcasses hanging in spider webs. When the bathroom is quiet, I know I’m in a world of hurt when I get to my bedroom.

Tonight I got done in the bathroom, checked my email, and even got in bed before my first encounter of the bug kind. As I reached for my book, I saw a few legs poking out from underneath a pair of scissors. Why were there scissors on my night stand? Oh, probably for one of my late night pube trimming sessions, but that’s not important. What is important to ask is who the hell does this bug think he’s fooling? First, he’s wearing the wrong color camo. He should be wearing his desert fatigues if he wants to blend in with that beautiful, rich red oak veneer.  And second, this isn’t a fucking Looney Toon, just hiding your dumb little bug head does not mean you’re invisible.

But I’ll give him props, if it wasn’t for my trusty pube scissors he could have easily hid somewhere else in the worlds saddest bachelor pad, AKA my bedroom at my parents house. And only the Almighty Bug God knows that this dimpled bastard would have done to me.

08.07.11
11:58 PM
I know a lot of people out there who have varying degrees of blindness. Some got their eyes fixed with mystical lasers from the heavens, some can’t see at night or read small text, and others, like myself, can’t even see their own nipples without their glasses.
Most of the time this little inconvenience comes into play in inconsequential situations. Like when you drop your glasses while waking up and you have to crawl on your hands and knees, searching for something you can’t even see. Other times the situation is of much greater importance. Like when you take a shower without your contacts in, and you glance down while shampooing and peeing at the same time and see a faint pink tinge to the urine coming out of your penis. Of course, being blind as a rock, you’re not too sure that’s what you saw and you brush it off. Until the next night when the same situation occurs, only this time your contacts are in, and this time it’s clear as day that there is indeed blood pouring out of your dick like a geyser in Yellowstone National Park.
These kinds of life altering experiences don’t happen too often. That whole bleeding dick episode happened and was remedied immediately a few years back. So I guess I was kind of due for another shock by this point. Contacts removed, I grabbed my Oral-B Sonicare Toothbrush and dabbed a pea-sized dollop of toothpaste on that puppy. As I sprinkled a bit of water on it, I notice a little shadow down in the bottom of the sink. I went on my merry way, brushing for the doctor recommended 2 minutes, and as I leaned in to spit, the gravity of the situation came into focus. That shadow that I assumed was water turned out to be a centipede. It was crawling out of the sink hole, trying its damnedest to get out of the sink and seek vengeance upon me for nearly drowning him. After a yelp and picture, this moustachioed beast was expelled to whence he came, the depths of hell; or wherever water and toothpaste goes.
Remember, if you’re optically impaired, keep some sort of corrective lenses on, in, or nearby so you don’t end up with a mouth full of centipede or a shower full of bloody piss.

08.07.11

11:58 PM

I know a lot of people out there who have varying degrees of blindness. Some got their eyes fixed with mystical lasers from the heavens, some can’t see at night or read small text, and others, like myself, can’t even see their own nipples without their glasses.

Most of the time this little inconvenience comes into play in inconsequential situations. Like when you drop your glasses while waking up and you have to crawl on your hands and knees, searching for something you can’t even see. Other times the situation is of much greater importance. Like when you take a shower without your contacts in, and you glance down while shampooing and peeing at the same time and see a faint pink tinge to the urine coming out of your penis. Of course, being blind as a rock, you’re not too sure that’s what you saw and you brush it off. Until the next night when the same situation occurs, only this time your contacts are in, and this time it’s clear as day that there is indeed blood pouring out of your dick like a geyser in Yellowstone National Park.

These kinds of life altering experiences don’t happen too often. That whole bleeding dick episode happened and was remedied immediately a few years back. So I guess I was kind of due for another shock by this point. Contacts removed, I grabbed my Oral-B Sonicare Toothbrush and dabbed a pea-sized dollop of toothpaste on that puppy. As I sprinkled a bit of water on it, I notice a little shadow down in the bottom of the sink. I went on my merry way, brushing for the doctor recommended 2 minutes, and as I leaned in to spit, the gravity of the situation came into focus. That shadow that I assumed was water turned out to be a centipede. It was crawling out of the sink hole, trying its damnedest to get out of the sink and seek vengeance upon me for nearly drowning him. After a yelp and picture, this moustachioed beast was expelled to whence he came, the depths of hell; or wherever water and toothpaste goes.

Remember, if you’re optically impaired, keep some sort of corrective lenses on, in, or nearby so you don’t end up with a mouth full of centipede or a shower full of bloody piss.

07.15.11
BIMB: Fucking Edition
I came across these two young lovers while doing some work for my sad, half-assed job. At first glance it’s just two bugs enjoying a little afternoon delight. But upon closer inspection, there are multiple freaky fetishes going on.
First, homeboy is hitting it from the back like only real ballers do.
Second, my boy is a chubby chaser. Look at that broad he’s banging. She’s twice his size and neither of them seem to be complaining.
And third, they’re chowing down on some scrumptious leaves while getting it in. Bringing leaves into the bug bedroom is like bringing a can of whipped cream and cherries into the human being bedroom. Remember that scene from Varsity Blues with the cheer leader in the whipped cream bikini? My boy James VanDerBug is hitting it hard and don’t give a fuck who’s watching.

07.15.11

BIMB: Fucking Edition

I came across these two young lovers while doing some work for my sad, half-assed job. At first glance it’s just two bugs enjoying a little afternoon delight. But upon closer inspection, there are multiple freaky fetishes going on.

First, homeboy is hitting it from the back like only real ballers do.

Second, my boy is a chubby chaser. Look at that broad he’s banging. She’s twice his size and neither of them seem to be complaining.

And third, they’re chowing down on some scrumptious leaves while getting it in. Bringing leaves into the bug bedroom is like bringing a can of whipped cream and cherries into the human being bedroom. Remember that scene from Varsity Blues with the cheer leader in the whipped cream bikini? My boy James VanDerBug is hitting it hard and don’t give a fuck who’s watching.